What to Know When Writing Your Memoir

While Anne Lamott says not to worry about writing poorly of others, you do have to be careful. Relationships—even close ones—can be hurt if someone you love feels betrayed by what you wrote about them, or what you wrote about someone else they love, or a situation you both experienced.

Now, that doesn’t mean you have to avoid talking about bad people or situations. On the contrary, a great story needs tension. The hero (memoirist) needs difficulties and obstacles in order to grow, and readers need those lessons for their own growth, clarity, and hope.

Here are a few ways to write “dirty” without getting in trouble:

• Make a list of everyone mentioned (or cited) in your book. You should generally contact them before you publish and ask for their permission, as with any nonfiction book. Especially for memoir, anyone who plays a big role in your writing should have an opportunity to read what you wrote before it’s published. Even though you’re probably changing most names and some identifying details, contacting them gives them an opportunity to respond, and a heads up so they aren’t blindsided that they’re mentioned in someone else’s book. This also gives people (who you are on good terms with) an opportunity to help generate excitement about your book; i.e., help you market it. That’s a good thing!

• For close family and friends, give them an opportunity to read any passages they would care about ahead of time. Yes, sometimes that means the entire manuscript. Give them a deadline so they don’t stall. This may sound like an annoying and unnecessary task, but people can get weird when they feel their reputation is suddenly on the line, even if that’s not how you see it. This not only gives you both an opportunity to clear the air of any potential hard feelings (especially unexpected ones), but it will make your own recollection of those events and details even richer. You don’t necessarily have to change what you wrote or include their side of the story, but you can provide more context or add a disclaimer sentence, such as “Now, my brother remembers this differently…”

• If someone is upset about something in your memoir, you must determine if their relationship is more important than a particular passage and act accordingly. Memories, and people’s egos, are funny things. Better to have those tough conversations early and salvage as many bridges as you can.

• For people you don’t like but don’t want to get sued by, know that even after you change names and identifying details, some readers may still figure out who people are (or were). It’s up to you to decide how many details to change or how much of the story to reveal. Just beware that it’s hard to keep things anonymous today. But that doesn’t mean you’ll be sued. And even if you are, if you’ve done your best to protect their identity and you can back up your story with some facts, you should be okay. Freedom of speech usually wins, because the other party must prove that what you wrote is intentionally false or malicious. Even so…
• Contact an intellectual property attorney when in doubt. Publishers are not going to help you with this. It’s up to you to make sure you’re not slandering anyone by lying or being hateful.

Sharon Stone’s memoir The Beauty of Living Twice is a perfect example of how to write your hard truths without getting in trouble. And most of us aren’t as famous as she is. (And no, in case you’re wondering, I did not ghostwrite her book. If only!) She mentions many situations where she was wronged but rarely gives names. If she does, she mentions that they have since reconciled. She does, however, name everyone in her life who helped her and gave her something positive.

Don’t be scared to share your truth. Fear often keeps us from accomplishing our dreams. But it’s our dreams that truly benefit others as well as ourselves. So, follow these steps when you’re able to, and don’t give up. Join a memoir writing group for encouragement. If you’re afraid of what others will think and that fear is preventing you from writing, then write for yourself and no one else. If you still want to publish when you’re done, you can polish out those rough edges later or with the help of an editor.  

Remember: Whether you’re writing for yourself, your family, or the world, your story is worth telling.